Tuesday, July 30, 2019

The ABC of time

The ABC of time 
In our Universe, time seems to go from past to future, not in reverse. But what if time doesn’t even have a direction?
is a teaching associate in the Department of History and Philosophy of Science at the University of Cambridge. He is interested in the metaphysics and epistemology of time and causation.

Ronnie O’Sullivan is an absurdly talented snooker player. When it suits him, the English five-times world champion can switch from playing right-handed to left-handed, and has even hit competition shots one-handed. But can he play snooker backwards in time? Of course he can’t. Why not? Well, there’s nothing particularly special about O’Sullivan, nor about snooker, in this respect. Think of any familiar process in our ordinary past-to-future direction, then play it backwards, and you’re faced with bizarre, improbable scenarios. With time flipped, we see a world in which shards of glass spontaneously jump off the floor into smooth wineglasses, cars suck carbon dioxide out of the air while moving backwards, and the surface of each Phil Collins LP is slowly smoothed out until no record of his music remains. As desirable as each of these processes might be, they appear not to describe the world in which we live.
Instead, we are very much ingrained in thinking that time goes from past to future; that there is something important about the world that past-to-future descriptions get right and future-to-past descriptions get wrong. Even though the Universe is expanding relative to the past-to-future direction, and contracting relative to the future-to-past direction, we nonetheless take it for granted that ‘really’ the Universe expands and does not contract. This idea of time going from past to future underlies much of our wider philosophical thinking about the nature of reality: we think of the past history of the world as fixed but of the future as undecided and open to a wealth of possibilities; we think that the way things are now depends on how they were in the past, but not on how they are in the future; we think of the laws of nature as telling the Universe how to evolve from earlier to later, and not later to earlier. And so on.
There are many different ways in which time might be thought to ‘have a direction’ but, to keep things simple, let’s work with the following idea: if time has a direction, then presumably it could have had the opposite direction; a universe just like this one but with the opposite direction of time would constitute a different universe to our own. Perhaps it is even possible that, contrary to our beliefs, our world actually runs from future to past. Such a backwards-in-time world, replete with its unlikely and unfamiliar processes, would surely be fundamentally unlike the one in which we think we live, and so our ordinary beliefs about time would be wildly mistaken. This is exactly what my preferred theory of time – what I call the ‘C-theory’ – rejects. According to the C-theory of time, it is not possible for this Universe to have run in the opposite direction of time, for there is no such thing as ‘the direction of time’ that could be reversed. This is the theory of time that I think fits best with our scientific understanding of the world. But before I can convince you, let’s first go through the ABCs of the philosophy of time.
It is common to think that time is special in a way that space is not. Though space is fixed, time is often said to ‘flow’ or ‘pass’. And though we don’t think there’s anything inherently special about where we are in space, we do think there is something special about the ‘now’, where we are located in time. As the now moves forwards in time, once-future things undergo a process of ‘becoming’ present and then past. In philosophy-of-time jargon, this set of views is known as the ‘A-theory of time’, based on the distinction made in 1908 by J M E McTaggart, a philosopher at the University of Cambridge.
McTaggart was interested in two different ways in which we standardly represent time. First, the ‘A series’ represents time as carved up into a growing past, a moving, flowing present, and a shrinking future. Secondly, the ‘B series’ represents time as a bunch of moments spread out in a fixed, unchanging series from earlier to later. Whereas old-style calendars give a B-series representation of time with equal emphasis for all the days of the month, your smartphone calendar gives something closer to an A-series representation, always highlighting the present day as special and updating itself as time passes. Accordingly, the B-theory of time holds, contrary to the A-theory, that time does not flow or pass, preferring the so-called ‘block universe’ model of time, where the universe is a four-dimensional entity, with events and entire lives strung out along the time dimension, with no points in time distinguished as past, present or future, much like our wall-mounted calendars, only with all of time on an equal footing, not just this month.
Many, including McTaggart, have rejected the B-theory as too impoverished to account for time; it fails to represent, they say, the special and dynamic nature of the present moment. Depending on your age, you might be looking forward to your next birthday with excitement or trepidation, which grows exponentially as the future birthday draws closer to the present. Likewise, previous birthdays don’t evoke the same kinds of excitement or anxiety – they have been and gone. It is very simple to explain this by holding that time really does pass, and that your birthday really does go through a process of becoming present and then past.
We are not making contact with some deep temporal arrow that could have pointed the opposite way
But there are good reasons to pass up the A-theory’s extra structure here, chief among them being the fact that physical theories afford no special place for the passage of time. The equations of classical and quantum physics contain no variable corresponding to which time is ‘now’, nor is there an equation describing how such a thing ‘moves’ in time, and no one thinks that there’s a serious question about how fast it does so. As such, philosophers and physicists have, for the most part, embraced the block universe: the German mathematician Hermann Weyl in 1949 remarked that ‘[t]he objective world simply is, it does not happen’. Meanwhile, Albert Einstein in 1955 consoled the bereaved family of his friend Michele Besso with the observation that, for those ‘who believe in physics, the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion’.
If one wishes to hold that time really passes, one has to accept the awkward fact that physics has done pretty well without making use of such a concept. Instead, the B-theory takes our beliefs about the passage of time to be compatible with the absence of such a thing from the basic furniture of reality. For the B-theorist, though it might appear to you as though your birthday underwent some process of ‘happening’, this is due to something about how we experience and represent our own trajectory through time, rather than some objective process that the birthday itself underwent.
The C-theory of time goes a significant step further even than the B-theory: not only does it reject the passage of time, it also rejects the directionality of time. Though McTaggart’s B series lacks a distinction between past, present and future, it is directed in that times are ordered from ‘earlier’ to ‘later’. In contrast, McTaggart’s lesser-known C series, on which the C-theory is based, ‘determines the order’ but ‘does not determine the direction’ of moments of time. According to the C-theory, when we describe a process as ‘going’ or ‘running’ or ‘evolving’ from earlier to later, we are not making contact with some deep temporal arrow that could have pointed the opposite way.
A consequence of this is that if we were to describe the world in reverse, we would not be getting anything about time wrong. As the cosmologist Thomas Gold put it in 1966, when we describe our world in the unfamiliar future-to-past direction, we are ‘not describing another universe, or how [this Universe] might be but isn’t, but [are] describing the very same thing’. Likewise, the philosopher of science Hans Reichenbach suggested in 1956 when reflecting on time in classical physics that ‘positive and negative time supply equivalent descriptions, and it would be meaningless to ask which of the two descriptions is true’. Though it no doubt sounds weird to describe things backwards in time, this weirdness is due to our unfamiliarity with the future-to-past perspective.
So while the B- and C-theories agree that we live in a block universe, the C-theory goes further in holding that this block doesn’t come equipped with a temporal arrow. Whereas the block universe has become very much the default way to understand the physical world, the C-theory’s adirectional universe remains highly contentious. On the one hand, the fundamental physical theories are symmetric with respect to time. The laws of classical and quantum mechanics and of relativity theory are time-reversal invariant – this means that, if we were to describe the world purely in terms of classical or quantum particles, the laws of physics tell us that any process that could happen in one direction of time could also happen in the other direction, meaning that processes in such a description are reversible.
The kinds of processes we ordinarily think of as irreversible, such as breaking wine glasses or the existence of Phil Collins’s music, turn out to be reversible if looked at in fine enough detail, in molecular terms. Moreover, the laws of physics are characterised by equations that allow us to predict the future and ‘retrodict’ (the past-directed analogue of ‘predict’) the past in equal measure, meaning that there is no sense that the laws of physics describe or govern the world from past to future any more than from future to past. So far, so good for the C-theory.
But on the other hand, physics standardly makes use of a wealth of time-directed ways of representing the world. Physical processes are pictured as running in a particular direction, and this affects the way we talk about the properties of such processes. When describing something as mundane as the motion of a particle, classical mechanics attributes it a velocity, a vectorial quantity that tells us the direction in which that particle is moving. And yet it is simple to see that, if the particle is moving from left to right in our past-to-future direction, it is equivalently moving from right to left in the future-to-past direction, meaning that even textbook classical physics requires us to make assumptions about the time-directedness of everyday processes.
If the world is not directed in time, why is it so useful to talk as if things run in a preferred direction?
More generally, physics favours a past-to-future mode of describing the Universe: it expands rather than contracts; it evolved from some set of initial conditions 13.7 billion years ago, and not from some future set of conditions; matter collapses into black holes and is not spewed out by white holes; entropy increases over time and does not decrease. It seems that we take for granted that the very world physics aims to describe is past-to-future directed.
So here lies a puzzle. Regardless of whether the physics is insensitive to the direction of time, our past-to-future ways of representing the world are so familiar and ubiquitous that one might think that only a pedantic, tiresome philosopher would bother trying to insist that such a picture doesn’t ‘really’ correspond to reality. Surely it’s not ‘equally true’ to say of our Universe that it is contracting, or that biological species are undergoing some process of ‘de-evolution’ to the primordial slime, or that we’re getting younger?
As the English astronomer Arthur Stanley Eddington remarked in 1927: ‘If you genuinely believe that a contra-evolutionary theory is just as true and as significant as an evolutionary theory, surely it is time that a protest should be made against the entirely one-sided version currently taught.’ In other words, if the world is not directed in time, then why is it so useful to talk as though things run in a preferred direction in time? What we want from the C-theory is the best of both worlds: an adirectional theory of time that respects the underlying lack of time-direction in physics, but one that makes sense of our ordinary preference for describing things from past to future. Can the C-theory solve our puzzle?
Suppose for the sake of argument that all the processes in our world actually run in the opposite direction to what we ordinarily think; that ‘tomorrow’ is earlier than today; that the cars on the motorway are moving ‘backwards’; and that we are, contrary to our beliefs, getting younger daily. The natural response, I think, would be something like: ‘So what?’ So what if I am ‘really’ getting younger if all the available evidence has (albeit erroneously) led me to believe and feel that I am getting older? So what if the Universe is ‘really’ contracting if our standard use and interpretation of cosmological data leads us to believe that it is expanding? At some level, it might be reassuring to believe that Phil Collins’s back catalogue is really being unwritten – but if it makes no difference to my actual auditory experience, then so what? It becomes absurd to worry if the world is ‘really’ directed toward ‘the past’, which suggests that such worries are borne out of a bad theory of time. It is exactly through removing this worry that the C-theory solves our puzzle, as I argued in 2016.
When I’m watching snooker, I take for granted that O’Sullivan is playing ‘forwards in time’. But what informs my judgment? When O’Sullivan strikes the cue ball into the black ball, potting it into the corner, I can make sense of the past-to-future description of the process because it better accords with my judgments about the causal processes involved. From past-to-future, we see:
(1) a cue ball being struck by a snooker player towards a motionless black ball;

(2) the cue ball striking the black ball, transferring most of its momentum to the black ball, and resulting in outgoing soundwaves from the collision;

(3) the black ball dropping into the corner pocket and coming to rest.
If we were to run a video of this in reverse, we’d get the future-to-past version:
(1*) the pocket begins to jiggle until it forces the black ball to jump up onto the table, accelerating towards the cue ball;

(2*) the black ball strikes the cue ball at the same time as inwards-radiating soundwaves concentrate on the collision, resulting in the cue ball moving towards the snooker cue with greater momentum than that of the black ball;

(3*) the cue ball collides with the snooker cue causing the snooker player’s arm to move away from the table.
If we think of the past-to-future and future-to-past descriptions as telling us about different possible processes, we run into a problem. Whereas the past-to-future description seems to get the causal facts right, the future-to-past description seems to get them wrong. But why? There are two key things here that stand out. First, the future-to-past description seems not to respect the fact that O’Sullivan is in control of his shot. Rather, from future to past, his actions come after, seemingly as a result of, the balls’ motion. Secondly, the future-to-past description describes a series of inexplicable coincidences: the pocket just happens to jiggle in just the right way to propel the black ball upwards and along the surface of the table, and the inverse soundwaves just happen to coincide with the collision of the black and cue balls. Whereas the future-to-past description is just about intelligible, we have a clear preference for the past-to-future description due to it respecting both our ordinary judgments about O’Sullivan’s control over the snooker balls and their likely movements.
Think of the Universe as a great cosmic snooker game (only without a great cosmic O’Sullivan)
But here’s the key thing: these considerations about control and likeliness apply independently of the direction of time. Regardless of whether I show you the video of O’Sullivan’s shot forwards (past-to-future) or in reverse (future-to-past), I expect you to ultimately make the same causal judgments, namely that the video represents O’Sullivan potting the black ball into the corner, and not the reverse causal process. The key philosophical step made by the C-theory is that these causal judgments play a central role in defining and constituting the direction of time. There is, for the C-theorist, a direction of time only if there exist in nature the right kinds of patterns that make it useful for us to think in terms of an arrow of cause and effect. If we are happy to say that in a world without such patterns there would be no direction of time, then we can get rid of the question Could the world really be running from future to past?
This line of reasoning applies much more generally – we can think of the Universe as a great cosmic snooker game (only, presumably, without a great cosmic O’Sullivan). When considering the second law of thermodynamics – why entropy tends to increase over time rather than decrease or, more generally, why temperatures equalise over time, gases spread out, and steam engines lose useful energy to heat – Reichenbach stressed that ‘it has no meaning to say … that … entropy “really” goes up, or that its time direction is “really” positive’. His point is that we should take thermal processes themselves to define the direction of time; it is just more useful and simple to describe the Universe from lower to higher entropy, but this doesn’t mean that ‘really’ the Universe runs in a preferred time direction.
The second law is enormous in scope, describing pretty much all the ordinary irreversible processes in our everyday lives that lead us to think of time as directed, from the smashing of glasses to the creation of Phil Collins records. What we learn from the C-theory is that, though there is something very important about these widespread irreversible processes that makes the world look very different towards the future than it does towards the past, we should not mistake this for a deeper property of time. It would ultimately be misguided to ask why we live in a world where entropy increases rather than one where it decreases.

To return to our original problem: is the world directed in time? The C-theory gives a complex and pleasingly paradoxical answer. On the one hand, it would be unreasonable to worry whether the world were ‘really’, contrary to our beliefs, running from future to past. But on the other hand, this is precisely because there is no such thing as a ‘direction of time’ that could be pointing the wrong way in the first place.

The Cost of Reading

The Cost of Reading

Ayşegül Savaş contemplates the way women’s and men’s time is valued and the uneven burden taken by women writers in literary citizenship.
Illustration by Homestead
Ayşegül Savas | Longreads | July 2019 | 15 minutes (3,811 words)
Two weeks after I read Deborah Levy’s The Cost of Living, I found out that she would be speaking at a literary symposium titled “Against Storytelling” at a venue some minutes from where I live.
The Cost of Living is a memoir about the period following Levy’s separation from her husband. She moves into a dreary apartment block with her two daughters, loses her mother, takes every job she is offered, and continues writing, in an entirely new set-up of family, home, and work.
The book is about other things, too, like cycling up a hill after a day writing at a garden shed; buying a chicken to roast for dinner which tumbles out of the torn shopping bag and is flattened by a car; putting up silk curtains in the bedroom and painting the walls yellow; showing up to a meeting about optioning the film rights to her novel with leaves in her hair.
It is, mysteriously, about a scarcity of time and money, of trying to make ends meet. Mysteriously, because it is such a generous book, so lush and unrushed.
One of my best friends, visiting for the weekend, picked it up from the coffee table while my husband and I were preparing breakfast on Saturday morning.
“Oh my god,” she shouted from the living room, “this book is amazing!”
I guessed that she must have read the opening scene, when the narrator overhears a conversation at a restaurant. A middle-aged man, “Big Silver,” is talking to a young woman he’s invited to his table. After a while, the young woman interrupts to tell him a strange story of her own, about a scuba diving trip, which is also a story of being hurt by someone in her life.
“You talk a lot don’t you?” Big Silver responds.
“It was not easy to convey to him,” Levy writes, “a man much older than she was, that the world was her world too… It had not occurred to him that she might not consider herself to be the minor character and him the major character.”
My friend went home on Sunday evening. She’d just been offered a new job, and would be spending the week negotiating her terms and meeting with the people at the new office. One of her reservations about the job concerned a partner who had first approached her for recruitment. Yet he didn’t have the tact, even as he sought her out, to stifle sexist comments meant as jokes. My friend wondered whether she should call him out on this during their meeting. In their offer, the firm had praised my friend’s directness.
That week, she and I messaged back and forth about the offer, as well as about all our favorite parts in The Cost of Living. She told me she’d recommended the book to her therapist.
Another friend was struck by the book’s lightness — its reluctance to belabor any sorrow, despite the sadness that runs throughout. He felt that this was a form of respect towards readers, their capacity to understand grief and hardship without dissecting it to pieces.
Yet another friend (we were all reading The Cost of Living) said that the book had lungs. Between the empty spaces of its short paragraphs, it breathed with light and transforming meaning. This friend had just read all of Levy’s work in one stretch.
***
The author who’d organized the symposium was supposed to be in conversation with Levy. She was the last to speak; she was the only woman speaker at the four-and-a-half-hour event.
It wasn’t possible, Deborah Levy began at the symposium, to have a single woman speaker at such an event and call it an intellectual discussion.
In his introduction, the author said that Levy’s writing career consisted of two parts, separated by a gap of many years. The second part, he said, starting with her novel Swimming Home, could be called a “resurfacing.”
This is a word Levy uses in the first pages of The Cost of Living to refer to the young woman who’d resurfaced from her scuba dive to realize that something was wrong; Levy uses the same word, a few pages later, about her own marriage.
This was a fitting term for Levy’s writing hiatus, the author said, given that she wrote so frequently about water.
He went on to talk about some developments in literature since the 80’s. He listed the names of prominent, male authors belonging to a certain category.
A friend, sitting next to me, leaned in to whisper, “Remember Big Silver?”
On stage, Deborah Levy examined her finger nails.
We waited for the author to ask a question, so we could hear Levy speak in the little time remaining.
The author returned to Levy’s mysterious resurfacing which he situated within greater literary trends. He had more things to say when Deborah Levy picked up her microphone. “Let me just interject here,” she said.
If the author had read the rest of The Cost of Living, he would have known that in the period that separated the two parts of her career, Deborah Levy wasn’t under water at all, but fully on earth, unpacking boxes, teaching, writing, visiting her mother at a hospital. When her mother was too ill to eat or drink, she brought her ice lollies from a Turkish kiosk. Her mother’s favorite flavor was lime which, in the final days of her life, the kiosk did not have.
***
From The Cost of Living, I guessed that Deborah Levy was around the same age as my own mother. She’d separated from her husband some years after my parents separated. She’d then moved to the same northern neighborhood in London where I’d lived as a child, after we left Turkey for my father’s career and my mother had left behind her own career as a pediatrician.
Reading The Cost of Living, I remembered moments I’d witnessed but never articulated: the way accumulated anger and fatigue could rear up in reaction to a single word or gesture. The way daily life, despite its greater defeats, continued with color and care. (My mother lighting candles for Sunday breakfast the week after my father moved out; Deborah Levy putting strawberry trees on the balcony of her new flat.)
During our time abroad, my father made huge leaps in his career: he was the youngest, the first, the most successful in many posts he held.
In my childhood, my mother was always hosting dinners for the people my father worked with. It was not unusual for her to host three or four dinners per week, for two people or a dozen. The meals started with soup, then phyllo pastries — with potatoes, feta cheese, or spinach. Main dishes were meat roasts and rice. Often, the meat would be placed on fire roasted, hand-peeled, pureed aubergines — an incredibly tedious dish to prepare for the pleasure of a few, velvety forkfuls. Along the length of the dinner table were the “side” dishes of sautéed vegetables, yogurt spreads, and salads.
Some days later, my mother would make the whole meal again.
It feels, as I write this, as if I’m doing something inappropriate — revealing a secret, making light of my father’s work and success. Why turn things on their head when we have fond memories of those years, when my parents are now on perfectly good terms?
***
During the symposium, Levy asked the audience to consider what was at stake for the topic at hand. She didn’t like abstract discussions, she said. Nor was she necessarily against storytelling.
But she wondered: what sorts of things did storytelling obstruct?
***
Over the years, my family had agreed on the story of our years abroad — its particular telling, causes and effects. Why we left, why we returned, what was achieved in between. We had all told the story many times.
But I want to point out that the story contains many other times within it: many other hours, and days, and years. Other labors.
***
The symposium was part of a series on “literary activism.” Earlier that afternoon, before introducing Levy, the author had discussed the effects of a global market economy on literature. Books were now branded with literary value — as “masterpieces,” “classics,” the “most important” of their genre. These terms, the author argued, were basically ways of saying that a book would sell many copies. This vocabulary made “literary fiction” — another marketing term — available to unsuspecting, ignorant, poorly-read consumers who were eager to satisfy their intellectual needs in digestible ways.
The author had written about this topic elsewhere and talked about it at other events. His wish, I think, was to counter the capitalist market — the way it presented an obstacle to the sincere production and readership of books — through literary activism.

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I’d just begun to see the workings of such a literary market in the months preceding the publication of my first novel. Before they were released, the new books of the season were included in (or left out of) lists and reviews meant to inform readers and publishers what was worth reading in the flood of books coming out. These lists created a framework for the value of books by labeling them as the most exciting, the best, the unmissable. Books gained merit by accumulation: appearing on one list increased its chances of appearing on another; the more a book became known, the safer it was to praise it highly, since it had already acquired its “legitimate” value through repeated exposure. But on many of these lists, I noticed, the books hadn’t actually been read by the writers compiling them, but were included on the basis of an author’s fame or biography, the prestige of a publisher, or the recommendation of certain literary celebrities.
Writers who didn’t have the luck to be major characters in this story of publishing could easily think that they’d lost without even having started, because it was easy to think of this system as one involving winners and losers.
What, then, could literary activism accomplish?
***
Some months earlier, I’d nominated the author — the one who had organized the symposium and introduced Levy — to teach at a writing retreat. I’d read three of his novels and many of his essays; I found his writing style interesting and often lyrical.
When I learned that he would be in town for a year-long residency, I wrote to ask him whether I could give him an advance copy of my novel; he said he would be delighted.
We went to a café for tea. I asked him many questions about his writing process, how he overcame obstacles in structure or plot, how his career had progressed, how he negotiated the muddy grounds of publicizing his work without making a fool of himself.
He asked me to sign my book. He said, also, that he was quite busy, meaning that he might not have a chance to read it.
When we were saying goodbye, he said we should get together again, soon.
***
In my childhood, my father was very strict about assignment deadlines he gave me and my brother: memorizing poems, writing essays, drawing maps from memory. He was very strict about time in general; being late was among the worst possible sins. Alongside the lesson of promptness, I internalized a dread of wasting my father’s time.
When my father left for work trips, time in our household suddenly expanded. There were no deadlines, no family meetings to discuss important topics. We could often sweet-talk our mother into letting us stay up late or skip some work we had to do, or walk our dog while we slept in.
What had we internalized about our mother’s time?
***
Following our meeting, the author sent me several of his essays to read, on topics we’d discussed over tea. I’d already read some of these essays. I read the others as well.
‘I haven’t actually read your book,’ the author then said to me, ‘but I’ve read paragraphs here and there.’
One of them was about the author’s fascination with single paragraphs. He wrote about one that he admired in a novel he’d read long ago. He’d read the paragraph many times, without wanting to read the rest of the book. The opening paragraph, the author believed, held possibilities for the imagination that were diminished with the tedium of plot and story.
When we were having tea, I’d asked him whether he was intending to visit some of the unusual places in town that were described in minute, haunting detail in Sebald’s novels, remembering the author’s praise of Sebald in one of his essays. The author said he’d actually never read an entire work by him.
In the following months, the author invited me to attend his various lectures and readings around town. I heard him talk about the idea of the paragraph on several occasions. He liked to repeat that he was bored by stories and that he didn’t enjoy reading entire novels. At the same time, however, he quoted works often and with authority, fitting them into literary eras and styles. I couldn’t tell whether his knowledge was gleaned second hand or belonged to another phase in his career when he’d read entire books. He spoke of turning points in literature with the publication of this or that novel, historical moments when things had changed in relation to a particular law or policy. The books and events he singled out seemed random to me, one of thousands of changes in the world and in human consciousness. I was amazed, if not a bit incredulous, at the author’s far-reaching perspective in drawing attention to them. Of course, his was also a form of storytelling: the authorial narrative which creates an illusion of a full vantage point. Despite the author’s dislike of plot and his boredom with cause and effect, his technique of narrating literary history was the very same one used to craft stories.
One evening after a reading, the author introduced me to a poet as a talented writer. “I haven’t actually read your book,” he then said to me, “but I’ve read paragraphs here and there.”
I understood that this was not a personal affront but simply a preservation of the author’s time, in line with his priorities and aesthetics.
***
I think that my father would have wanted us to switch time codes with him, too; for us to whine about daily concerns and the insignificant routines of our days. He would have liked for us to make unnecessary requests from him as well. But such intimacies are nothing more than the accumulation of un-plotted time, without goals or priorities.
***
The most lauded books of the season, I noticed, were often about contemporary issues. They were innovative, were the first in their genre to cover a certain topic, were daring in their styles. The praise for these books was often wrapped in their utilitarian value and in what the book could provide its readers: a unique perspective, a different geography, a brand-new technique. It was easy to overlook the books that simply investigated their topics with a quiet curiosity. There was, simply, no time for them.
***
After we returned to Turkey, my mother started working full time at a clinic, Monday through Saturday. In the years we’d been abroad, her colleagues had specialized in their fields, acquired prestigious positions as professors or at private hospitals.
My mother was anxious about going back to her practice. But there was no time, or money, for her to indulge her anxiety: we were in a financially precarious situation following our move back. Our two cousins from my father’s side had just moved in with us, after their mother passed away. (Another story with wildly different and disputed narratives, which often left out the core: two grieving children moving to a strange home.) Not long after this, my parents separated.
To say that these were difficult times for my mother would be an understatement. More than this, they were unimaginable times, contrary to any future she would have dreamed for herself, to the story she’d participated in for decades as a supporting character. Suddenly, she had to figure out an entirely new way of living. And even though she was cast out of the main story, she was still expected to stick to that unchanging role: a gentle, loving caregiver.
Levy writes:
I will never stop grieving for my long-held wish for enduring love that does not reduce its major players to something less than they are. I am not sure I have often witnessed love that achieves all of these things, so perhaps this ideal is fated to be a phantom. What sort of questions does this phantom ask of me? It asks political questions for sure, but it is not a politician.
***
It wasn’t possible, Deborah Levy began at the symposium, to have a single woman speaker at such an event and call it an intellectual discussion.
She was impatient throughout the author’s questions, which he asked in academic, abstract terms. She kept asking him to be direct, cut him off when he veered off into generalizations. It was clear she didn’t have time for any of that. She wanted to get to the heart of the matter, to whatever was at stake.
When I was leaving the symposium, I saw her smoking beneath a newly blooming Judas tree. The sky had just darkened; the cool air soothed my flushed cheeks.
I walked up to Levy and thanked her. It was a relief to hear her speak the way she did, I said. I added that I’d felt an urge to kick someone.
“Oh, thank you,” she told me and waved as I walked off. It occurred to me afterwards that she might have thought my reaction was in defense of her; that I’d been offended on her behalf.
***
My friend, the one who had whispered “Big Silver” in my ear, texted me the next day: Did I think the author even understood what Levy was reacting to?
I wondered that, as well.
***
We — my cousins, brother and I — recognized my mother’s anger before it came alive. We heard it rising in the comments of strangers and relatives, of well-meaning, oblivious friends who told her to liven up a bit, to get some rest, to live her life.
When we had just returned from abroad and were barely making ends meet, one of my father’s relatives asked my mother when exactly she planned on contributing to the household. More accurately, he asked when she would be “useful”.
Over the years, my family had agreed on the story of our years abroad — its particular telling, causes and effects. Why we left, why we returned, what was achieved in between.
One time, a famous businessman greeted my father at a weekend retreat outside the city, where we’d gone as a family. He then looked over at us, wife and children: “I see you’ve arrived with your harem,” he said.
Not that we always stood up for her.
When my father’s relatives visited my mother, after the separation, we hoped that she wouldn’t say something rash. We could almost hear her interior monologue as these relatives praised my father, the pride of the family.
We wished, at those times, that she would just keep it together. We were teenagers, we wanted to have a good time. We didn’t want to take sides or make a fuss.
***
The publisher sent me 20 advance copies of my book. I understood that I was meant to give them to influential people. I felt humiliated when I was asked who I knew in the literary world. I had the sense that this was part of the contract of having a book published and that I now had to “admit” that I didn’t know anyone; that I was a fraud.
I gave some of the copies to my good friends.
The others I sent to writers I admired — an equal number of men and women, all of them strangers, whose addresses I found online, or through their agents. I sent them the books by post, with the exception of the author who was in town, telling them how much their writing meant to me.
Of course, the author in town wasn’t the only one who didn’t have time to read my novel. But I want to point out, because it suddenly seems relevant, that the only ones who read my book were women.
One evening, I got a postcard from the writer Dorthe Nors. She was on book tour, she said, so she was sorry that she would be reading my book in bits and spurts. But she had already started and was enjoying it very much. Her handwriting was lively, looping, crawling all the way up the sides of the card. She had written every inch of it with questions and observations, with good wishes for the future of my book. She asked whether an endorsement from her might be helpful; she included a short one along the side of the card. I put the postcard in my tin blue box of treasures.
Some weeks later, Nors wrote again to say that she’d read more of the book on her book tour and wanted to expand her endorsement.
The male authors who responded to my emails all said they were delighted to learn that I liked their books. They told me about their other books coming out, or essays I may have missed.
They said I should feel free to send them a copy of my book but warned me that they were very busy and didn’t know if they would be able to read it.
No, it’s not the lack of time which surprises me.
It is those people who have no time but are generous nonetheless. Those radical, literary activists.
***
Every morning, before going to work, my mother made us fresh juice from carrots, apples, oranges. She made omelets, feta cheese and tomato sandwiches. I say this because that’s one meal a parent can get away with. On Sundays, her only day off, she baked us pastries and cookies.
Some weekday mornings, for the sake of sleeping an extra 15 minutes, I would beg her to let me miss the school bus. I asked, in my most pathetic voice, whether she’d like me to go to school having had my breakfast, brushed my hair, and dressed neatly. Then please, I pleaded, would she drive me to school and not make me rush for the bus?
More often than not, she did. In the car, we blasted Turkish pop or Mozart’s piano concertos.
***
At the symposium, the author began his talk by saying he had given the same talk before. He’d hired someone to transcribe it from YouTube and would now deliver it to us with some small changes. It was more or less the same talk as the one I’d heard a few months earlier, and very similar to one of the essays he sent me. The small changes he’d made for the symposium were the opening paragraphs of another essay.
To save him the time, I could probably have given the talk on his behalf.
* * *
Ayşegül Sava‘s debut novel Walking on the Ceiling was published in April 2019 by Riverhead Books. Her writing has appeared in The New YorkerGrantaThe Paris Review Daily, among others. She lives in Paris.
Editor: Sari Botton
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