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Tuesday, April 26, 2016
严复与柏克
Monday, April 25, 2016
Why Write in English?
Why Write in English?
Vladimir Nabokov; drawing by David LevineWhy not write in a foreign language? If people feel free to choose their profession, their religion, and even, these days, their sex, why not just decide which language you want to write in and go for it? Ever since Jhumpa Lahiri published In Other Words, her small memoir in Italian, people have been asking me, Why don't you write in Italian, Tim? You've been in the country thirty-five years, after all. What keeps you tied to English? Is it just a question of economic convenience? That the market for books in English is bigger? That the world in general gives more attention to books written in English?
Is that it? Certainly economics can be important. And politics too. Arguably, these were the factors that pushed Conrad and Nabokov to abandon their Polish and Russian mother tongues. If it is not possible to publish at home, or to publish there as one would wish to publish, then one is more or less obliged to go elsewhere if one wants to have a viable career as a writer. And if to publish elsewhere one has to change language, then some authors are willing to take that step.
Something of the same logic no doubt drives the many writers from Africa, Asia, and the sub-continent who have turned to writing in French and English in recent years. The opportunities are larger. There is also the fact that people in Europe and the West are interested in the countries they grew up in. Just as in the nineteenth century, novelists like Thomas Hardy or Giovanni Verga could "sell" their familiarity with peasant, provincial life to a middle-class metropolitan public, so post-colonial writers have fascinated us with stories that might seem unremarkable in their home countries, where the narrative tradition very likely deals with different content and requires a different relationship between writer and reader.
But beyond any understandable opportunism, there is often a genuine idealism and internationalism in the decision to change language. If you have "a message" and if English is the language that offers maximum diffusion, then it would seem appropriate to use it. In the 1950s, the rebellious and free-spirited Dutch novelist Gerard van het Reve felt that the Dutch language and culture was simply not open enough and not big enough for an artist with important things to say. Van het Reve moved to England in 1953, dropped the exotic "van het" from his surname, and set about writing in his adopted language. "Let us no longer express ourselves in a local argot," he boldly declared. The revolutionary, the preacher, and the megalomaniac will always tend toward the medium that offers the widest possible readership.
For writers from countries that were once colonies, the switch to the language of the colonial power could also be seen as a kind of counterattack. The post-colonial writer appropriates the ex-overlord's language, subverts it, and adapts it to his or her own purposes, all this to the supposed chagrin of members of the once dominant culture. This is the depressing, confrontational, and, I suspect, flawed logic of Rushdie's 1982 article "The Empire Writes Back with a Vengeance" (it is interesting that references to this famous article tend to omit the last three words).
More simply—more probably—you could say that if a global culture really is developing, and if the lingua franca of that culture is English, then its energy will naturally draw in those from the peripheries, just as the excitement over the formation of the nation-state in a country like Italy in the nineteenth century prompted many writers to switch from writing in the local idioms of Naples and Venice and Milan to address the whole nation in the standard Tuscan Italian that finally became the language of the institutions and the schools.
All this makes sense, yet critics tend to pay attention only to those who have made a success of writing in a new language. In April 2014, a New York Times article about the phenomenon essentially compiled a list of young literary stars who had switched to writing in the main Western languages. The piece, titled "Using the Foreign to Grasp the Familiar," is full of enthusiasm and positivity. "All interesting literature is born in that moment when you are not sure if you are in one place with one culture," Yoko Tawada, a Japanese author who writes in German, is quoted as saying.
At this point, the native English speaker almost begins to feel at a disadvantage for having been born into the dominant culture. Should we perhaps head for Paris, like Beckett or Jonathan Littell, just to be between two worlds? Or look for something more exotic and have ourselves translated back into English afterward? Why not Korean, or Swahili? One reason is that changing languages doesn't always work. Van de Reve, notorious in Holland for his deeply pessimistic postwar novel De Avonden (The Evenings, 1947), was never able to secure a publisher in England, where his style and politics seemed incomprehensible. His talent wouldn't flower again until he returned to Holland and threw himself back into his country's national debate, in Dutch of course, with an incendiary mix of Catholicism, homosexuality, and obscenity. His genius needed his mother tongue, his home milieu, and an atmosphere of intense antagonism.
Kundera was already a huge international presence by the time he switched to writing in French in the 1990s, one of those authors who need never fear they might not find a publisher. Yet his work has lost power and intensity with the switch of language. In French, he just doesn't seem able to produce novels of the quality of The Book of Laughter and Forgetting and The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Both Reve's and Kundera's moves suggest a certain hubris; they supposed their individual talents were entirely separate from the culture and language in which they had developed. It's a hubris inherent, perhaps, in the Western obsession with freedom, and the consequent refusal to accept that we are conditioned and limited by circumstances of birth, family, and education.
In this light, Lahiri's quite unusual decision to move away from global English to write in Italian begins to make a little sense. Growing up in Rhode Island between Bengali and English, triumphing as an author in the latter, while feeling that she had betrayed the former and her parents' culture with it, one can well imagine the conflicted feelings towards both languages that she describes in one of the later chapters of In Other Words: "I was ashamed," she writes, "of speaking Bengali and at the same time I was ashamed of feeling ashamed. It was impossible to speak English without feeling detached from my parents…"
Yet these difficult emotions, transmuted into other people's stories, were recognizably the driving force of Lahiri's excellent early stories. To imagine they could simply be set aside by moving into a language for which she had a certain affection but no deep knowledge, was perhaps ingenuous. In the event, what Lahiri writes in Italian is little else than an account of her attempt to escape English. At no point does it draw energy from Italian culture, or even transmit a feeling that her life is now firmly based in the world of Italian. There are no Italian characters in the book, indeed, no characters at all aside from Lahiri, as if actually she were writing in a language that was all her own, and that just happened to coincide with the language 60 million Italians use. The decision to publish the American edition of the book as a parallel text, Italian on the left and English on the right, gives the curious impression that, though written in Italian—indeed published first in Italian—the book is somehow not written for Italians; rather, the achievement of Italian becomes a trophy to show off to the American reader. We never believe that Lahiri will really spend her life in Italy, or go on writing in Italian. Reviewers have generally agreed that the book just didn't work.
Writing in another language is successful when there is a genuine, long-term need to switch languages (often accompanied by serious trauma), and when the new linguistic and social context the author is moving in meshes positively with his or her ambitions and talents. At which point, let me make an admission. After only two years in Italy, long before I had published any fiction in English, I did write a novel in Italian: I nani di domani (literally "Tomorrow's Dwarves"). It was a comic "thriller" about a Veronese rockband, I nani di domani, who turn out to be a cover for a rather amateur terrorist organization. I had arrived in Verona in 1981, around the time of the Red Brigades' kidnapping (from an apartment block only a mile from where I was living) of General James Lee Dozier, deputy Chief of Staff at NATO's Southern European land forces. The novel satirized pretty much everyone and everything I had come across in Verona, the main character being a female version of myself, teaching at a seedy private school run by the father of one of the terrorists.
Having written half the book, I sent it to Italy's only major literary agent at the time, the popular and immensely respected Erich Linder, an Austrian Jew whose family had brought him to Milan as a child in 1934 to escape persecution. To my amazement—since all my attempts to write in English were collecting regular rejections in London—he liked my Italian book and offered to take it on. But no sooner had I sent him the final pages than Linder died and my chances of becoming an Italian author with him. His successor at the agency, in the more usual Italian style, did not reply to my letters.
Years later, when I had published a number of novels in English, I nani di domani came up in conversation with an Italian publisher. I showed it to him and he offered to publish. But after rereading it, I decided against. Any charm it had was to do with my naïve fun with the language; it was superficial, and playful in a rather facile way and I decided I wouldn't feel comfortable promoting the book. My real subject matter still had to do with England and English and it was to my home culture that my books were addressed, something that put me in a tradition, I suppose, with any number of other ex-pats—Muriel Spark, James Joyce, D. H. Lawrence, Robert Browning, Lord Byron—who never dreamed of changing language. Not to mention W.G. Sebald, who always wrote in German despite thirty years in England, or the excellent Dubravka Ugrešić, who continues to write in Croatian despite having been forced to leave her homeland for the Netherlands in 1993.
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罗志田:怎样向名家学习治史方法
罗志田:怎样向名家学习治史方法
罗志田
2016-04-22 17:34
在大学教书的人,"方法"是常被学生问及的问题。在我们史学领域,我知道不少学生都想获得某种可以概括抽象出来的"方法",以为学会了即可治史。尽管我在一定程度上赞同"史无定法"的主张,但我非常理解学生们的愿望,尤其他们身处这样一个急功近利之风劲吹的时代。
要说史学方法的教与学,其实也不简单。不过我想和年轻人分享蒙思明先生的一句话:史学方法"并不是一种神奇的东西、秘密的宝藏,而实际只是一些合乎逻辑、合乎常识,可以使人信赖的批判原则和工作程序"。明白了这一点,我们就可以积极主动去寻求了。孟子说过:
夫道,若大路然,岂难知哉?人病不求耳。子归而求之,有余师。(《孟子·告子下》)
道不难知,方法和能力,都是可以通过学习和训练获得的。一是要先有求的态度,二是要注重求的方法。而最简单的求法,就是先看好的老师如何做,然后跟着做,再徐图超越。
蒙文通先生明言:"大学以上的学生,主要是学方法。在听课时,应跟着先生的逻辑思维的发展而发展,体会先生是怎样思考问题的。"这是一个很好的提示,如果我们听课时有这方面的思想准备,能注意抓住老师讲述的逻辑思维,循其发展而跟进,就可以得到超过学"知识"的收获。
方法不仅可从听课领会,更要从读书中摸索。如蒙思明先生所说,中外历代"史家的成套著述和单篇论文内,到处都可发见一些史学方法";甚至"自古以来有思想有聪明的人,不管他是否从事历史研究,也不管他对史学造诣的深浅如何,总或多或少的能利用一些史学方法,可以做我们的示范的"。青年学子贵在"从各种绣出的鸳鸯上,寻出一套刺绣的法度;有系统、有条理的归纳出一些原理原则、工作程序",这就是"学习的捷径"。
陈澧曾说,"学问之事,莫难于入门。既入其门,则稍有智慧者必知其有味,而不肯遽舍"。因此,"精深浩博之书,反不如启蒙之书之为功较大"。但过去"多宏通之篇,寡易简之作;可资语上,难喻中人。故童蒙之子,次困之材,虽有学山之情,半为望洋之叹"。而好的"启蒙之书,又非老师宿儒不能为。盖必其途至正,其说至明,约而不漏,详而不支",才能导引入门。他自己就想写一本"事繁文省,旨晦词明"的书,使人"视而可识,说而皆解"。然而这只是一个理想的目标,他最后也没写出来。
中国传统本不甚注重抽象出来的"方法",谦逊一点的说"文无定法",自信更足者便说"文成法立"。在这样的语境下,学问和技艺仍能传承,即因从练武、学写字到作文、作诗、作画等,大致都是从临摹入手,在学得像样的基础上再思有所突破,亦即桐城文派所说的"有所法而后能,有所变而后大"。从既往的经验看,这几乎已成为"颠扑不破"的真理了。
如何临摹,也是有讲究的。即使主张道不难知的孟子,也说过"梓匠轮舆,能与人规矩,不能使人巧"(《孟子·尽心下》)。两千多年来,很多人都在琢磨孟子的意思。王夫之以为:
巧者,圣功也。博求之事物,以会通其得失;以有形象无形,而尽其条理;巧之道也。格物穷理而不期旦暮之效者遇之。
那意思,大匠不能使人巧,但学者可以通过自己的摸索努力,领会巧之道,从而能巧。与王夫之大约同时而年稍长的张自烈论作文说,从事古文者,"才虽过人,未有无所祖述而径造者。今人而欲为古人,初恐其不似古,久之又恐其似古",那就成了依样画葫芦,所得不过古人糟粕。故"必酝酿古文之巧之法以归于己,使见者莫能名其为某家,莫能名其为某篇似韩苏、某篇似欧曾,庶几法变巧生,而文日进"。
这可能是对临摹法最好的总结,先要学得像,即"有所法而后能";在将前人"巧之法"归于己后,又要不像,庶几"法变巧生",于是"有所变而后大"。昔朱子注《论语》,曾提出"学之为言效也"。胡适发挥说,"学画的,学琴的,都要跟别人学起;学的纯熟了,个性才会出来,天才才会出来"。我们可能都听过"熟能生巧"一语,更要记住,"天才"也是在学习进程中展现的,必要自己的"个性出来了",才算是"法变巧生",也才能变而后大。
这样看来,学习治史方法,临摹或许是最简单易行的。过去不觉得需要写什么方法论、门径书,大概也是因为很多人以为这不失为一种不错的求学之路。吕思勉先生进而提醒我们说:
研究学问有一点和做工不同。做工的工具,是独立有形之物,在未曾做工以前,可先练习使用。研究学问的手段则不然,他是无形之物,不能由教者具体的授与。对学者虽亦可以略为指点,但只是初步的初步,其余总是学者一面学,一面自己体会领悟而得的。
这仍是延续前引孟子关于"规矩"和"巧"的辨析,特别强调做学问的人与一般匠人不同,更要靠自己的体会和领悟,而且要一面学,一面体会。常听学生说:老师,现在我知道您说的是对的了。但何以在老师说的时候,就不知或不能领会呢?一个因素当然是老师讲得不容易使人领会,大概也与学生没有实践经验相关。所以临摹是一个发展中的进程,也就是俗语所说的"干中学,学中干"。
若言临摹的对象,则一言以蔽之,取法乎上而已。
不过,前人作品成千上万,究竟看什么,对初学者是个很困难的选择。学生初入一个领域,常常觉得那些已经出版发表的论著,似乎每一篇、每一本都好(也有认为全都不好的);到了可以区分出论著的好坏优劣时,就可以说是入门了。我们要临摹,当然应选择优秀的对象。而初入道者一个最大的困难,就是尚难判断好坏优劣。这时可以寻求老师的指引,或者就是观摩那些几十年后还有人看的名家之作。
梁启超曾说,"真正做学问,乃是找着方法去自求,不是仅看人家研究所得的结果。因为人家研究所得的结果,终是人家的";学生若自己学到"做学问的方法,乃能事半功倍"。不过,在课堂上直接教方法,或有灌输意味,学生未必欣赏,也不易领会。而从前人研究"所得的结果"中,正可求到"做学问的方法"。
如吕思勉所说:"研究的方法,必须试行之后,方能真知。抽象的理论,言者虽属谆谆,听者终属隔膜。无已,则看前人所制成的作品,反而觉得亲切。"盖道不难知,就看你是否找到求的途径。按吕先生的提示,选择一些优秀的名家作品,编成一书,或不失为一个帮助学生的好方式,且比直接讲方法更使人感觉亲切。
可叹的是,类此目的虽好而手段不佳的做法,已经延续相当长时间了。章太炎早就说过,"不法后王而盛道久远之事",是不利于"致用"的。编这类读本,与"名著导读"课程相类,目的正在于"致用"。故"取法乎上"之外,还可注意"法后王"这一原则。简言之,让学生学习怎样做研究的典范,不必是所谓永恒的经典,而应是他们可以临摹的范文。如若一编在手,既能感受学问大家的气度格局,也能学到怎样提出问题、运用史料,以及如何论证其所欲言,是不是会更受学生欢迎呢?
这是促使我们编辑这本《名家治史》的主要动因。
专门针对初学者的名家典范文集,目前似不多见。我们在选编时,特别考虑到对读者的针对面应尽可能广泛。书里这些老先生,每一位在全国学界都有其位置。所选的作品,每一篇都有全国性的影响,在相关领域的学术史上已确立其地位。四川大学的学子,读到本书或许更觉亲近;任何史学中人,即使不是初学,也必会开卷有益。而且,这里绝大部分是老先生们年轻时的作品,这样一则可以知道我们有着多么杰出的前辈,二是这些多少带有少年锐气的典范,或许更容易让年轻读者感觉亲切。我本来的意思,书名也可以亲切些,初拟用"名家说史"。但出版社方面以为"说"字太轻,所以改为今名。那意思,大概受到上级提倡"尊重知识、尊重人才"的影响,希望显得庄重严肃些。不论是亲切还是庄重,都是希望本书能引起读者的兴味,适合读者的需要。
本书的立意,即副标题所标出的"方法与示范"。
其中有三篇是直接讨论史学方法的,分别是李思纯的《史学原论·译者弁言》、蒙思明的《考据在史学上的地位》和蒙文通的《治学杂语》。朗格诺瓦(Ch.V.Langlois)和瑟诺博司(Ch.Seignobos)的《史学原论》一书写于19世纪末,在全世界影响甚大(近年其法文原版和英译本都还再版)。李先生在"五四"之后翻译《史学原论》,不啻空谷足音;中国后来各种史学方法著作,皆多所借鉴(有些未曾言明)。其前言不长,概述了中西史学方法的异同,最可提示我们什么叫做言简意赅。思明先生《考据在史学上的地位》一文是他讲"史学方法"课的绪言,原题为《史学方法在史学上的地位》,应钱穆之邀到齐鲁大学(时在成都)国学研究所讲演,乃改今题发表。
我们也可从原题思路去阅读,感觉又会不同。文通先生的《治学杂语》是蒙默老师编成的,可谓体大思精,不仅学生可读,老师亦然,我自己便每读皆有收获。
其余的则是直接的研究论文,早的发表于1930年,晚的则到"改革开放"之后了。大体都是20世纪新史学背景下围绕具体问题(issues)的探讨。有些提出了新问题,有的提示了新思路,有的使用了新材料,但更多则看似"普通",细读乃新见迭出,仿佛行走在山荫道上,"山川自相映发,使人应接不暇"。它们不是指示性的空论,而是指引性的示范,可供读者直接揣摩。我想,初学者或可多注意这些老师是如何把握一个问题的全景,并将各式各样"碎片"式的材料嵌入其结构(往往是自然形成,未必是"构思"出来的)中,有些材料别人或以为"无关",但融合在一起之后,就展示出了不同寻常的意义。
编这本书的立意,也是希望读书的学生能从"法而后能"到"变而后大"。而"法变巧生"的基础,还是要温故然后知新。现在上下提倡创新,有些人动辄喜欢引用冯友兰的话,不想"照着讲",而要"接着讲"。冯先生在《新理学》中曾说,之所以自号为"新理学",是因为"我们是'接着'宋明以来底理学讲底,而不是'照着'宋明以来底理学讲底"。他在晚年将此提炼为"照着讲"和"接着讲",强调哲学上的创作是要说明自己对于某一问题的想法,而"自己怎么想,总要以前人怎么说为思想资料,但也总要有所不同"。可知冯先生的意思,"照着讲"是"接着讲"的前提。
现在很多自诩"接着讲"的,其实未必能"照着讲";但若"照着讲"尚且不能,又怎么"接着讲"?中国经学史上有所谓"传道"和"传经"之分。孔夫子指示我们,"人能弘道,非道弘人"(《论语·卫灵公》),则"传道"应在"传经"之上。但"弘道"非人人所能为,历史上很多时代,遍天下看不见足以"弘道"之人,不得不姑"传经"以守先待后,期日后能有"弘道"之人出。简言之,始终有人能"照着讲",才是可以"接着讲"的基础。
最后我要说,这是一本面向学生的书,序言应当尽可能简明清晰。不过也正因为是面向学生的书,不能不分外慎重。由于个人才疏学浅,不得不多引前贤之言,以壮声势。如果因为这些引文使这篇小序读起来不那么顺畅,在此向读者诚恳致歉!
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Sunday, April 24, 2016
情色写作救了我
情色写作救了我
by Steph Auteri
我试用的第一个情趣玩具是Tantus Feeldoe。我从办公室的一堆情趣玩具中挑了这一个,当时我在波士顿一家小众周刊实习,为成人约会网站撰写情色内容,办公室抽屉那些树脂和橡胶的玩具色彩缤纷,又有点令人害怕。我选择了Feeldoe,因为它是亮闪闪的紫色,而紫色正好是我最喜欢的颜色。我试着告诉自己,这只是一种装饰,就像是小时候我把卧室粉刷成紫罗兰色一样。
我刷了牙,脱下铅笔裙,换上舒适的短裤和黑色T恤,准备好体验这个新玩具。我盘腿坐在我的双人床上,低头看着这个硕大的紫色玩具和放在它旁边的润滑剂。
我感觉太阳穴在抽动。它好像在我的凝视下越变越大,像是恐怖片中镜头伸缩时的景象,不详的音乐在空气中飘扬。
我咽了咽口水,觉得口干舌燥。
拿着它,我却发现自己不知道该用哪一头。我只与前男友发生过性关系,他十分情绪化,在性方面有虐待倾向。两年前他夺走了我的处女之身,当年我只有19岁,是真的"夺走"。想起他仍然会让我害怕得颤抖,我不知道该怎么做。
我靠在枕头上,手里拿着它,心里却犹豫不决。但我毕竟要写一篇测评,我希望能写得艺术一点。带着这样的心情,我紧紧地握着它,倒上润滑油,然后深吸了一口气。
我心跳有点加快,然后告诉自己:它没那么大,而且已经做好了润滑,应该不会有什么问题了。
我轻轻地把它放在我的身体上,然后往里推了推。
再用点劲,我告诉自己,鼓励自己。再用一点点劲。
我又往里推了推,但我的身体在排斥它。我能感到自己僵硬的身体,这太紧张了。
加油加油加油,我加大了手上的力度。
然后我松开了手,长长地吐出一口气。我做不到。这样的玩具生产出来是为了给人提供愉悦,但我无法从中获得任何愉快的感受,相反,我怕它带给我的只会是疼痛。
* * *
两年前,我的情况完全不同。那时我不是在波士顿写情趣玩具测评,而是在新泽西一家小报纸写有趣的咖啡馆和三明治餐厅。更重要的是,我那时正在恋爱。
一开始,崔维斯(不是他的真名)对我很好,很照顾我,这让我非常幸福。两个月后,我们在沙发上亲热,灯没有开,我们在黑暗中相互摸索,这时他提出想要和我做爱。
我没准备好,我希望婚后才做爱,从小我就是这么被教导的。
当他爬到我身上时,我屏住呼吸,害怕到几乎要昏厥过去。我用尽浑身的力气夹紧双腿,但他还是成功进入了我。
他走后,我大哭一场,感觉自己被背叛了,同时觉得恶心。但我不知道怎样解释这些情绪,我也不知道这些情绪从何而来。在那个痛苦的过程中,我却一直没有说出"不"或者"停下来"这样的词。
我觉得没什么好保留了,所以我放任他,做了一次一次又一次。
过于放任自流导致我失去了太多东西。在我们的关系中,他变得越来越残忍,不停贬低我的缺乏经验、我的身体、我在床上的沉默。
当他想尝试一些我根本没有准备好的事情时,他会一遍遍地求我,直到我屈服。
我离开他时,非常愤怒,因为他拒绝出席我祖母的葬礼,我也受够了他的毫不体贴。我害怕性行为;我对自己毫无自信;我担心自己的身体和所有表现;我拼命地在性爱中寻找愉悦感,只为了满足伴侣的需要。每当男生傻笑着对我说"来嘛",我脑海中都会浮现起崔维斯的样子,他让我感觉恐惧。
* * *
我转学后,搬到了四小时车程外的城市。一年后,我得到了现在这份实习工作,开始撰写成人内容。我去面试的那天,以为这个职位是写音乐会和文学聚会。这份工作确实在我的舒适区之外,但也是一个机会,让我独立写作,而且,我还能署上自己的名字。
但是,第一次试用Feeldoe的经历不太美好,我很快发现,我可能不喜欢"插入",除了这个,还有许多情趣玩具可以选择。
比如,主管曾开心地送过我一个Rabbit Habit的振动棒,它曾在《欲望都市》中出现,因此火了起来。它有着可振动的珠状设计,可以刺激阴道内壁;顶部则可以旋转,比真实的性爱体验还棒。它有一个兔子形状的凸起,可以刺激阴蒂。我了解到,阴道高潮并不是唯一的高潮。
之后我体验过Water Dancer的振动棒,它是红极一时的Pocket Rocket的防水版本,看起来没什么特别,但当我把它带回家,装好一节AA电池,旋转底部打开它后,高潮吞没了我,那种感觉一直蔓延到盆骨,让我整个身体都颤抖不已。
有了这些体验,我意识到,这次实习很可能让我的性生活走向正轨。这是我可以接受的一次大冒险,说不定可以让我放下与崔维斯的不快经历。刚离开新泽西时,我仍然不敢与他人有任何亲密的接触。这份新工作至少可以让我掌握愉悦感,了解自己的身体,探索身体的各种可能性。更重要的是,这份工作让我了解到,并不是每个男人都和崔维斯一样,性也不必然是一件扭曲的事。
* * *
拿到本科学位后,我结束了实习工作,打包行李准备回新泽西。我有一大箱振动棒、情色电影、马鞭和安全套,但我仍然刻意与男性保持一定的距离,为了自给自足的欢愉,我放弃了真实的亲密接触。有些男人听说我是从事情色写作的,总以为我是个有性瘾的小野猫,这时我总是不知道如何解释,也不愿让他们太过了解我的生活。我相信一旦他们了解了真相,就会感到失望,这只会让我蒙羞。然后,我遇到了迈克尔,他后来成为了我的丈夫。
在相遇仅仅一周后,我们就差点做爱。当时我们一直在亲热,直到他在我耳边低声说:"再这样下去,我们都会陷入麻烦的。"
我感觉到肌肉紧绷,但是他并没有注意到。"为什么?"我问他,"我们又没有做爱。"
四年前,崔维斯践踏了我对于婚后性行为的想法。之后几年,我已经接受了性并不是神圣的献祭,它是我可以掌控的。不过,我还是等了两个月才正式和迈克尔上床,我这么做也并不只是为了自己。那时候,我已经很了解他了,知道他和我以前约会过的男人都不同。听起来也许很俗气,但他不在我身边的每时每刻,我都在想他。每当我注视着他,我看到他将会成为一名称职的父亲,我看到了我的未来。正因为如此,我才觉得他值得拥有我的身体。我们的身心都得到了统一,就像普通的情侣一样。
有一天,他翻身压住我,想要说服我尝试一些更新鲜的事情。"来嘛。"他笑着对我说道。
他的举动一下勾起了我的痛苦回忆,我控制不住地哭了出来。他拍了拍我的肩膀问我:"到底怎么了?"
我向他道了歉,尴尬地解释道,他的举动让我想起了不堪回首的一段过往。
我拿纸巾擦了擦脸,告诉他性对我来说一直是个难题。
迈克尔非常善解人意,但他有性需求,我却没有。因此我常常抱着内疚之情,怕自己的性冷淡会无法满足伴侣。我开始在性爱过程中感到尖锐揪心的痛苦,以至于每一次抽插都像是要将我撕裂。
我迫切地寻找方法,能提升性欲又能治愈伤痛——物理和情感的双重伤痛。因为我知道编辑们非常需要情色内容的作者,所以我又捡起了这份工作。
这导致我们出现在了一场性爱聚会上。我本来是去采访一位备受欢迎的性爱聚会的女主人,了解她对"下流文化"(raunch culture)的看法,结果她邀请我参加下一场在曼哈顿中城举办的聚会。听起来是我从来没有做过的事,我不知道这是否能开启我新的性爱生活。
迈克尔却很犹豫。"这不是换偶聚会吧?"他问,"参加聚会的人会交换伴侣吗?我可无法接受这样的事情。"
"不会的,"我解释道,"只有那些愿意换的人会这样做。"我还给他普及了性爱聚会应该遵循的一些规则,比如"提前和你的伴侣定好计划",或者"在行动之前一定要征求对方的同意",以及"可以对感到不适的事情说不"。迈克尔同意和我去试试。
在为聚会做准备的过程中,我既尴尬、焦虑,又有点激动。我很焦虑应该要穿什么,很担心看起来有点过火。同时,迈克尔穿着黑色内裤和黑色领结在房间里来回踱步,特别像苍白瘦削的脱衣舞男(后来我否决了他的这身装束)。
接下来,我在包里装上了钱包、唇膏和一瓶廉价红酒,还顺手装了几个安全套、我最喜欢的振动棒和几副手铐。无论是否带齐我的所有情趣装扮,好像都会显得不大对劲。如果到场后发现所有人都在相互手淫怎么办?如果发现这实际是一场群交怎么办?如果我被要求参与愉虐的捆绑环节怎么办?我必须要做好充分的准备。
到了指定地点,我们穿过大厅,拐了一次弯,才来到挂着珠帘的大门前。这里有为喜爱鞭打、捆绑、羞辱的人准备的SM室,也有备好羽毛、毛皮的房间。还有一处放着用来进行口交教学的大床,教学课程的名字叫做"吞剑入门",晚些时候,这里就会充满彼此缠绕的肉体。
在鸡尾酒区,一位年轻男性穿着闪亮的皮裙和一件束身衣,正趴在一位女士的脚边表达他的仰慕之情;在房间角落的沙发上,另一位男性搂着一位穿着紧身胸衣的女性,摸着她的胸部;一位身形窈窕的女性穿着黑色的蕾丝内衣趴在那里,她的伴侣随着电子乐的节奏打她的屁股。
看了看四周,我特别希望自己也和他们一样放得开。就算只有我和迈克尔在床上,我也做不到如此开放。我从来没有感受到这样喷薄而出的欲望,让我能够迷失在性、欲望和愉悦中,叹息、呻吟,说着耳边情话。我太容易被脑海中的想法左右了,这些想法就是崔维斯说过或做过的事残留下的痕迹。
也许是因为肉体和空气中费洛蒙的作用,没过多久,我的皮肤开始颤抖,神经也绷紧到了边缘。我的内脏就像失灵了,下体也出现了疼痛感,并且肿胀、湿润、饥渴起来。我已经好几个月没有过这种感受了。
我和迈克尔来到一个黑暗的空房间,正好在鸡尾酒区和群交区的中间。我们紧紧抱着彼此,倒在摆放着各种羽毛枕的沙发上,他的手伸进我的牛仔裤,我的手也伸进了他的内裤。
激情的过程中,我注意到门口站着一个人。他斜靠在门框上看着我们,发现我的眼神后,他微笑了一下。
我根本不在乎,因为我已经被许久未体验过的欲望占据了。也有可能我是在乎的,这个陌生人的出现反而增强了这次体验。我不确定,但无论如何,在连续几个月拒绝了迈克尔、为自己的性冷淡感到内疚挫败、缺少激情的需求之后,这一幕给我带来的只有放松。
难道我有暴露癖?也许,但不管怎样,我希望那种感觉能够永远持续下去。
* * *
这次体验之后,我重拾起了情色写作,想要去追逐那种感觉,抓住它,保留它。这次聚会形成了我第一篇署名且有稿酬的文章,一位花花女郎周游世界参加性爱聚会的故事(聚会上那位口交教学的老师给了我编辑的联系方式)。可是我追求的,不仅仅是署名和稿酬。
迈克尔和我后来去过不少性爱聚会,但我们都没能复制第一次的体验。有一次,在参加完在一家小画廊举办的情色艺术画展开幕式之后,我们去曼哈顿下城的Pussycat Lounge参加了一场情色片的发布会,欣赏了滑稽舞者的表演,躲开了砸向观众的免费情色片DVD。我们还去参加过内衣发布会,让迈克尔给我买了一套我垂涎不已的内衣,我只穿过它一次。我们还去过一场拥抱聚会,发现我们俩都不喜欢这种形式——在临近结束时,所有人在房间正中抱成一团,我们趁机溜了出来。
我为不少情趣玩具写过测评,也写过一些和性有关的科普类文章;试用过可以随着iPod音乐节奏加热或震动的振动棒;我甚至体验过一种现在已经停产的"性爱练习球"。随着时间的流逝,我开始不满足于这种体验式的情色写作了。问题是,我并不是在试着找回曾经拥有过的东西,而是在追求一件我从未拥有过的东西。我以为自己应该拥有的。
后来,我读到了关于《Come As You Are》的书评,我终于意识到,我就是喜欢较少的性爱——这没有问题——我湿了眼眶。我丈夫就睡在我旁边,我紧紧抓着被子,任由眼泪在脸上流淌,我终于找到了情绪的出口。
书的作者Emily Nagoski是一位性教育家和研究者,这本书讲述了女性的性反应周期,以及所有阻碍女性欲望的事情。"如果你做爱是因为你必须做,或是你觉得应该做的话," Nagoski写道,"你就不会有很多性生活,即使做爱时,你也很难从中获得享受。"
我已经花了十年时间提升我的性欲,去满足他人的需求。读过Nagoski的研究之后,我知道我再也没必要这样做了。
从那以后,我不再为了治愈自己而写作。我为那些同样心碎的人写作,不再是评测和科普文章,而是坦诚的个人经历和学术文章。在撰写自身经历和性学研究的过程中,我觉得自己像在一片寂静中大声呼喊,我希望这些呼喊可以帮助那些对性生活有困扰的女性,让她们意识到自己没有问题。
这一转变让我减轻了压在心头将近十五年的重担,尽管我的性需求仍然不如我丈夫那样强烈,但我也给自己留下了产生欲望的空间。去体会自己的需求。结果是,我在性生活中更能体会到愉悦感了。
现在这一切对我很重要,尤其是当我有了女儿之后。我不在乎情色写作有怎样的污名,也不管她长大后看到我的作品是否会感到尴尬,我只想为现今这种文化做出一点自己的贡献,希望这种开放和教育能够让她成长为一个更为自信和愉快的女性。
我希望她能做出最好的决定——那些我当年无法选择的。
Steph Auteri是一名自由撰稿人、编辑,关注女性性生活健康。她为Salon、Jezebel、Nerve、Brain、Child等出版物写过性方面的文章。常与性教育家、研究者、精神健康专家合作。
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